today i turn 29.
as i look back at the last year, i feel like 28 was my year.
a lot has changed for me in the last year and i made a lot of changes. changes for the better.
to give some history, i feel like i need to back up a little further, before i got pregnant, i need to give a little background. because honestly, a year ago i was pregnant and it was awesome but that's not where my story begins.
so lets rewind a little bit.
before i got pregnant, i don't feel like i was in the best place. i had pretty low self esteem, horrible body image, and i didn't feel like my best self. i wasn't happy with who i saw in the mirror and i also wasn't honest with myself about what
exactly it was i saw. i compared myself to everyone that passed me by and i never felt like i was good enough. the source of these feelings were due to my weight gain over the last 6-7 years. i can honestly say i let myself go and it got pretty bad when i was in art school. i had become...
do i dare say it....frumpy. sweatpants and old t-shirts were my wardrobe. i wore sizes that were to big, most my clothes were dark or neutral colors and my converse had become my shoe of choice. i hated shopping because nothing fit and i didn't feel like anything looked good. in the words of joey, i dressed like a 14 year old, un-sponsered skater boy and it was true! i was an emotional eater as well as a stress eater. i turned to food and found every excuse i could to eat crap and not be active. i used my sense of humor to cope. i made fun of myself even though i was miserable on the inside...i hid behind jokes. and then....(this is where this sad story turns around, this is supposed to be an uplifting post, i promise!)
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| looking excited because i'm about to eat food... |
then i found out i was pregnant. for the first time i was so excited and proud of what my body was cabable of. i loved watching my belly (
and other parts, if we're going to be honest) grow every week. it was so amazing watching my body change and realize why it was changing. my body was
building a human and it was one of the most awesome things i've ever been a part of. i look at milly and am so thankful that my body helped build a healthy, happy baby. i grew an immense sense of pride and respect for my body. i realized how much i had abused my body yet it could
still do amazing things. that's when i realized i needed to make a change, something inside clicked and i found the reasons and importance in turning my unhealthy lifestyle around.
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| pregnant and loving it! |
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| 8 months and moving...not recommended |
before i gave birth i knew i was gonna make this said change as soon as i received the ok from my doctor after milly was born. my labor and delivery was tough, i won't go into detail here on the blog because it was a very personal experience. i look at my birth story as one of the most sacred things i've ever experienced. that's the closest to heaven i'll ever be while on this earth, and i don't look at that experience lightly. i'm very guarded when it comes to my birth story and photos of my little family in the hospital for those reasons. i feel like i can be a pretty private person and when i met my little girl for the first time, there was no exception. it was so personal and something that i hold very close to my heart. with that being said, i once again experienced an "ah-ha" moment about what my body could come back from. not only could it 'build' a human but it could also give birth and sustain this little life.
so after having milly, i felt this huge sense of responsibility, not just as her mother and parent but also as a positive role model in her life. i know there's a lot of pressure on young girls and their body image. i also know i have a couple years before she starts picking up on that type of stuff but i have to start being a good example now if i want to be one later. not only that, but i wanted to be able to do things with my daughter, whether it be practicing sports with her, riding bikes, going on hikes, dancing, running, and the list goes on. i want to be able to do all these things and show her how awesome our bodies are. i want her to see what her body can do, i want it to be something positive in her life, not something that she feels the need to be negative about because it doesn't fit society or the media's standard. i want her to hear me talk positively about my own body and i believe the best way to do that is to be a good example and show her. so i made a change. i
will say that i've made these changes for my own happiness but milly was a huge driving force. i know that if i didn't make the change for myself then there never would have been one, which that was one of my biggest hurdles i had to get over. i had to want the change bad enough to actually do something. i had to put my money where my mouth was, so to speak.
so i did, i made a huge change. i completely changed my lifestyle, how i ate, even how i viewed food, which was one of the biggest things i needed to change. it's no longer a reward or source of comfort. it's no longer my go-to when i'm stressed or feeling upset. food is food and depending on how you use it, it can either sustain you or poison you. so i stopped poisoning my body. i cut a lot of stuff out and i started eating more veggies, less processed food, less sugar and no soda. i also started running. i love seeing how far my body can go and what it can do. i love being able to go a little further every time i go running. running has been my go-to instead of food. running has become my therapy. i ran my first 5k and am signing up for my first 15k at the begining of march. my goal is to be at my wedding weight by the time milly turns one. as of right now i only have about 13 pounds to go and i feel great. i feel like i can't explain how much i love running, something i never thought i would say. seeing the pounds shed off is amazing, i'm becoming so competitive with myself and i love it. i've started to enjoy shopping again and have had to get rid of half my closet. it's the best feeling in the world.
*i feel like i need to add a note here and let you know that i do indulge every once in a while. the difference now: a treat is a treat, not an everyday occurrence, excuse, vice, etc.
not only am i starting to love what i see in the mirror but my self confidence has shot through the roof. i feel like that sassy little girl joey met in college is coming back...in a good way. i don't think i realized how much of myself i lost in the weight that i gained, but as i lose it, i feel like i'm starting to figure out who i really am and who i want to be. i'm becoming the woman i want to be.
so yes, i'm 29 and feeling FINE! 28 was such a good year, a good
good year. i will always look back at 28 and remember how great it was, it will be one of my favorite years. with that being said i welcome 29 with open arms and can't wait for what's in store. now that the changes are being made and the ball is rolling i'm excited to see what else is coming for me and my little family. i have this amazing little girl that reminds me everyday how blessed i am. she makes me want to be a better person every day.
every.
single.
day. so i have her to thank for the majority of the changes i've made in my life. i want to be so much better for her. some may say that physical appearance isn't that big of a deal and we should all accept our shapes and sizes but i knew that i was unhappy, i knew i had a problem with food and i knew i needed to make a change or else i would continue to spiral out of control and continue being unhappy. i love my new body with the new scars and all. and there's something else i've realized through all of this: i am a strong woman! i encourage everyone else to be strong, it may be really hard and you may not know where to start but i promise, once you do you'll feel amazing. i speak from experience and can say little changes make big changes and when you look back at what those big changes have done for you, you realize you can do anything!
i am a strong woman and i can do anything. bring it on 29, i welcome you with open arms!
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| the reason why i do it....love her! |
